Control: The Self-Aggrandizing Mask of Insecurity

In a world where orderly society has become necessary, the human mind can be a fickle thing. It’s insecure and seeks perfection. It’s restless, always searching for order. And it is often wild and living in chaos.

But the mind is in wild chaos because it’s always under scrutiny to perform, to be faultless, to keep control over emotions and actions. And this insistence on control and perfection is the root cause of its anxiety.

The mind’s disorder is a symptom of the insecurity we feel in the world, though you may seem confident enough in your daily activities and duties.

Nothing is ever enough; nothing you can do outwardly will work to give the mind the approval it seeks. This lack of acceptance is what causes chaos, and in chaos there can be no understanding, only constant movement, constant seeking for recognition and truth.

But beyond the ego’s necessity to confine and control is complete orderliness where each individual is in harmony and knows what is right for themselves.

Your way isn’t automatically the right way.

The people around you don’t want to be controlled. When you recognize and admit that your way isn’t necessarily the right way for anyone but yourself, your need for control begins to ebb away.

Buddhist psychology “doesn’t aim to tame the monkey. It aims to learn its ways and accept them.”

When you give up trying to control others, they’ll be free to be themselves. You’ll find they are much easier to be around because you’ll begin to understand them rather than constantly trying to moderate their behavior based on what you believe is right.

That doesn’t mean you need to give up your moral values and standards. It simply means you’re allowing others to make the decisions that are right for them without your interference or judgment.

The only way to get past the need to control is to face what causes you pain.

When you live a gilded life—one in which you cannot be your authentic self because you must always be in control—you are denying your vulnerabilities. And denial of vulnerability is closely linked to control and manipulation.

Any feeling that makes your ego feel as though it’s losing control also makes it feel unsafe. And safety or protection is the number one role of the ego. If something makes you feel vulnerable, this is the ‘something’ you must face up to and work through.

Start by focusing on the situation and being alert to triggers. Participate despite your fears. The one thing denial, control, and manipulation have in common is that they are trying to prove an impossibility.

• Manipulation tries to prove that anyone can be made to do what you want.
• Control tries to prove that no one can reject you unless you say so.
• Denial tries to prove that bad things will go away if you don’t look at them.

But there is no predicting whether someone will refuse to do what you want, will walk out on you, or will cause you trouble. Only when you admit you’re allowing your ego to be in control against all rational behavior will those behaviors begin to end.

Every experience has only the meaning you give it.

Those things which caused you pain and have stayed with you throughout your life had meaning for you when you experienced them the first time. Meaning is essential for something to truly matter to you. That’s why you experienced it fully. It touched your heart.

If something was painful for you, it’s possible to change the meaning it had for you. Time has a way of allowing us to view the past through a new lens.

Try to understand why the situation happened, why it hurt you so deeply, and what you would do today if the same situation occurred.

For today, live according to the following principles:

1. Don’t obsess over whether or not you made a right decision. The universe is infinitely flexible. It does not judge the decisions you choose. What’s considered right or wrong is a figment of your own mind.
2. Stop defending your self-image. You are being ruled by it. You don’t need to defend your opinions or appraise how a situation makes you look.
3. Feel what you feel. Allow yourself to be free to choose in the moment, as if for the first time.
4. Don’t be offended by people, comments, situations, and media. This is part of being judgmental. It’s also part of being concerned about what others think of you.

No matter the situation, decision, or person, consider the following things which are being weighed by your subconscious at the deepest level of awareness.

• Does it feel right?
• Am I interested in where this could potentially lead?
• Do I like the people involved?
• Does it make sense to do this right now?

You can always put the universe on hold when in doubt about what to do. If that’s the case, simply contemplate and give yourself room to become more aware or in tune with the decision you are about to make or the reaction you were prepared to initiate.

On the down side, if you make no decision you will not grow. Doubt is a symptom of lack of awareness. And it usually means you’re not relying on your intuition. Rather you’re looking outside yourself for answers.

It can be destructive to the one thing that awareness is trying to bring: knowing.